Press
Op Ed News: Randi Cairns and Home Front Hearts
2010-03-09
By Joan Brunwasser, Op Ed News
Welcome to OpEdNews, Randi. Please tell our readers about Home Front Hearts.
Home Front Hearts provides resources and advocacy for service members and their families. A big part of what we're about is community building educating individuals/businesses/civic groups, etc. about what it really means to be a military family and how they can use their own interests, talents, etc. to support these families.
Home Front Hearts provides resources and advocacy for service members and their families. A big part of what we're about is community building educating individuals/businesses/civic groups, etc. about what it really means to be a military family and how they can use their own interests, talents, etc. to support these families.
How did you get involved in this in the first place, Randi?
With over twenty years in the not-for-profit sector delivering services to vulnerable populations, I believed myself to be relatively competent in identifying and utilizing resources. When I found myself struggling to identify necessary resources for my own family, I realized how challenging it could be to navigate the system. Where services did exist, they weren't always accessible to military families. For instance, health providers were unwilling to take our military insurance. Gaps in other services had me continually fighting for what should have been readily available. It occurred to me if I was having such a hard time, than this was likely the case with most military families. And thus Home Front Hearts was born. I figured that if I was going to fight for my own family, it was an opportunity to advocate for other families as well.
With your work background delivering services, it sounds like you were just the right person to put this program together. Our readers don't know anything about you, Randi, so, please tell us more. Your husband is in the National Guard, correct? How and why is that different, in terms of the services you're eligible for?
I have a Bachelors in Psychology and a Masters in Human Services with a focus on Nonprofit Management. If there had been a "least likely to marry a soldier" award in high school, it would have been mine. I was more the type to be found hotly contesting the idea that the military would get funding that was desperately needed by other social service entities. When I met and fell in love with a National Guardsman almost sixteen years ago I "signed up for" one weekend a month and two weeks during the summer.
In the time since then, he has been deployed three times. In "real time" back at home, he missed the birth of our youngest child, his father's heart attack, his parents' house fire, a critical care hospitalization for our first born, four assorted surgeries for three of our children, and the sight of me cutting off a foot cast with a steak knife over a two-hour period of time because it was interfering with my ability to drive our children where they needed to be. Note that we haven't begun to include birthdays, anniversaries, first steps and the other special moments that are easy to take for granted when your loved one isn't in a war zone a world away.
Today more than ever, the distinction between National Guard/Reserve and active duty military is very blurred. They fight side by side. Their families make the same sacrifices. The main difference is that National Guard/Reserve don't live in communities that understand what it means to serve (and when a soldier serves, his whole family serves too). Home Front Hearts is working hard to change that.
When my husband is on active duty orders, he/we are eligible for the same services in terms of medical, behavioral health, etc. as the regular active duty guys. Unfortunately "eligible" doesn't always translate into services received.
So, in many ways, the National Guard does everything that their military counterparts do, but without either the benefits (in real life) or the support. It's stressful enough having a spouse/parent overseas with support, but without it, it must be murder. I would imagine that there are lots of divorces and separations among National Guard families. The pressures must be enormous.
As you've stated, deployments are stressful to ALL military families active duty and Guard/Reserve alike. There have been many research studies released recently that discuss the toll deployments can play on our children, our families and our marriages. But I don't want to give the impression of our families being struggling victims. Military families are strong, resilient and resourceful. Those same studies agree that supportive communities and a sense of belonging can mitigate many of the challenges we face. Home Front Hearts then, for me, is about building those kinds of supportive communities.
So how do you go about building a supportive network?
The whole premise of Home Front Hearts is that you don't have to be rich or affluent or endowed with any unique skill set to make a difference. You just need to care enough to find out what needs to be done and then do it. I've been so delighted to learn that most people WANT to help. They just need tangible suggestions for how they can do so. I've found that the most effective way to build supportive networks is to be out there and talking to people. You speak with a neighbor who mentions a story you shared to his church/synagogue and before you know it, there's a caring community involved. When that happens it's the very best part of my job!
How about some concrete ways this caring community helps military families? I get this in the abstract but could benefit from some specific examples.
Home Front Hearts' work with the "Smith" family is a great example of how a community can come together and make a significant difference in the life of a military family. Sgt. "Smith" was medically discharged after 11 years of military service and only received a 10% disability rating from the VA for Traumatic Brain Injury and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. His spouse lost her job because she missed too much work taking care of his frequent medical emergencies. With no computer or internet connection and living 90 minutes from the closest military installation, this family was completely disconnected from the military and unaware of resources that might be available to them. They'd spent all their savings, were living on $600 a month and had $14 to pay for a week of groceries when we were contacted. Here are the steps we took to assist this family:
We were contacted in late October by a non-profit specializing in employment. They referred this wounded warrior spouse from NC to us because she told them "she had to get a job because her family couldn't afford to eat." They contacted us to see if we could assist this family. We determined their needs and: a) got the family in contact with Marine Corp Relief Services for emergency funds; (b) referred the family to legal services to assist with their issues with the Veterans Administration (c) had a daycare in NJ contact us about donating "Christmas" to a military family (d) contacted the family to see if they'd be willing to receive assistance and passed their critical needs to the daycare; (e) received donations from the daycare to pay house and truck payment, gift cards to pay for food and nine large boxes of clothes, toys and household goods and (f) found another Marine family who assisted by paying shipping charges.
This wounded soldier and his lawyer appealed to the VA for reconsideration in November and recently learned that his disability rating was increased to 60%. With a computer we were also able to acquire for her, this wounded warrior spouse was able to start a flexible work-at-home job so that she can care for her warrior but also provide much needed income for her family.
Every family's story, and consequently their needs, varies. Home Front Hearts works with each family individually to provide the most comprehensive support possible.
Sounds great! You have an exchange program and encourage students needing community service projects to contact you. Is this restricted to New Jersey, where you live?
There are no geographical limitations in terms of people becoming involved with community service efforts on behalf of military families. Home Front Hearts has been contacted by out-of-state individuals/groups and it's our pleasure to connect these folks to opportunities to be of service as well. Sometimes, that means matching them with a family we're working with. Other times we might direct them to another group/organization closer to home for them. Either way, we're always tremendously excited to see people step up and want to make their own contribution whether it's money, time or resources. Everyone has something to share!
You have a few corporate sponsors but I'm sure you could use more, no?
I've been really incredibly blessed to have my sponsors find me. I became involved with the Bronfman Youth Fellowships in Israel when I was still in high school. Through their generosity, a group of 25 kids from the U.S. and Canada spent six weeks in Israel not only enjoying the land, but also learning about how to build community with each other. That community now stronger by 25 or so each year since then (and that was over two decades ago) remains steadfastly committed to their alums and the projects/programs their alums are involved with that promote social action.
Eyal Shapira of the Raritan Central Railway and I "met" several years ago, when he responded to a newspaper story about my family. My husband had been in GTMO at the time and the story talked about what it was like dealing with the holidays at home when Daddy was on the other side of the world in service to our country. In the years since that story, Eyal is always quick to ask, "What can I do for the soldiers?"
My relationship with the Zebra Pen Corp came about as a result of me having become acquainted with one of their wonderful employees during the collection I held for the children of Afghanistan. She hadn't been working for them at the time; she'd owned a family restaurant. But when she changed workplaces, she brought her desire to make a difference with her. Because of Zebra's donation, Home Front Hearts has passed out literally thousands of writing implements to military families. As for the Good People Fund you know firsthand what an amazing woman Naomi Eisenberger is. Not only does she make an amazing contribution to the world with her work she motivates and inspires me to drive on when things are challenging.
As for more corporate sponsors I'm always grateful for support. I haven't had the time to solicit sponsorships because I want to use the time I have to work directly with the families I serve. But I'd most certainly love to hear from individuals/groups/organizations/companies that would be interested in supporting my efforts!
We've talked a lot about Home Front Hearts but not so much about you and your family. Tell us about your kids, Randi.
Ian and I have four children Katie (15), PJ (13), Connor (6) and Sara (5). They are all, of course, incredibly bright, beautiful, funny and fabulous in every possible way. They've also each made their own share of sacrifices in service to our country. I know that sounds very melodramatic, but being a military family is a package deal when one person serves, it impacts the whole family unit. For instance, Sara is our littlest. I found out I was pregnant with her less than two months before my husband deployed to Guantanamo.
When she was born, Ian's chain of command made it possible for him to take his leave early. But two weeks later, he was again out of country. She was about eight months old before he was back home. Then there were three months Daddy spent in New Orleans in response to Katrina. And the year in Afghanistan. More than half of Sara's life has passed without her Daddy in it. For the longest time Sara thought that Daddy lived at the airport. If you asked her where he was stationed when he was in Afghanistan, she'd tell you "Kansistan" because she knew that he was at Fort Riley in Kansas before he was in Afghanistan.
It's easy to talk about deployments in relation to Sara she was my "deployment baby." The numbers are easy to put in perspective in terms of the portion of her life that has been impacted. But the truth is that ALL of her life has been affected. And that's true of all of my kids.
My older two are often put in a difficult situation when Ian is deployed. People who mean well say things that can be hurtful. I can't count the number of times that PJ has been told, "Now that your Daddy is gone, it's your job to be the man of the family." Can you imagine? Or Katie has been told, "You have to be strong for your Mommy." I used to just cringe when people said things like that until I realized how much the kids would take it to heart. So, I'll correct people right in front of my children. The kids' "job" is to keep Daddy in their thoughts and to get through their days the best they can. That's what I expect of them when Ian is deployed. More than that is hard for me why would I expect more of my own children?
Most of the time, you'd be amazed at how tough my kids are, in terms of managing my husband's deployments. But then, something will happen like a teacher who starts a discourse about how useless our involvement in the war is, or a child who tells one of my kids that if their Daddy loved them he'd be home with them" and, well, it can just be incredibly rough. And, of course, birthdays, special occasions, milestones those are all so hard when Ian's away. We actually reference time in our family based on where Daddy was at the time and it sometimes feels like he's been away forever.
I can't really imagine what it must be like. So, you end up being the strong one that holds everything together when Ian is deployed. How do you get through each day? Do you have good friends, a mom to be there for you? What goes through your mind when you're lying alone in your bed at night?
I don't see it as an issue of strength. You do what you have to do. This is my job as a military wife to keep things together here so that he can do his job secure in the knowledge that we're okay. Things are usually so busy that I don't have much time to think about anything other than what needs to be done. During deployments, Ian goes above and beyond in terms of finding ways to remain in touch. I know that if I haven't heard from him, it's not for lack of trying. His parents and his sister, Bridget, (one of my dearest friends on the planet) are always quick to offer support.
I have a hard time asking for help I tend to be an "I can do it myself" person. But they make sure I'm not always entirely on my own. I try and make it a habit to not be alone with my thoughts for too long when Ian is deployed. That's my defense mechanism, I guess. But, I know too many military wives who have been virtually paralyzed with fear. That's not a good place for anyone to be, let alone someone with four children counting on her to keep things as normal as humanly possible.
Well, hats off to you. It sure doesn't sound easy. How do you all keep in touch - do you email, write letters, call? And, what do you do to minimize his absence and to make him feel a part of the family, even when he's away?
Ian and I write letters to each other occasionally; he's better about that than I am when he's deployed. I tease him that I'd have time for letter writing without four children breathing down my neck all the time. Then, he mentions the enemy and I joke that the enemy doesn't follow him into the bathroom. I do mail him packages, though his favorite goodies, copies of the kids' report cards, the little ones' best artwork. Depending on where he's been, we've also communicated via micro-cassettes that we'll send back and forth. We email and IM each other if/when there's computer access available and he calls when he's able. There are some people who argue that the increased access to communication is a mixed bag for military families and I think that you can argue either side persuasively. But, nothing beats feeling like he's there beside me, even if it's just for a few, short moments.
Keeping him "there" for the kids is also, as you suggest, incredibly important. When Connor and Sara were little(r) and Ian was deployed, I'd make a point of showing them Daddy's picture all the time or playing a recording of his voice. I wanted them to "know" him when he returned. We have a shower curtain of the world in our bathroom and wherever Daddy is gets marked on it. I make a point of bringing him up in our everyday conversations and at each meal, when saying thanks, we include a "please keep Daddy safe" request. Even now with Ian home, we ask for protection for soldiers in harms' way and their families before we eat. As for what we do for Daddy pictures, love notes, goodie bags - whatever we can think of. Home Front Hearts is also a big part of keeping each other in our thoughts; it became a tangible means of showing our support.
I'm curious. What goes into those goodie bags? What does Ian hanker for when he's deployed (that'll fit in a small package)? It must be hard for him, too, especially because, as an officer, he has to be an example for his troops.
Handrolled cigars, a scarf I taught myself to crochet in camo colors (definitely not one of my strong suits), shortbread cookies with blackberry jam, licorice, magazines, anything I pass and think, "Oh, Ian would love that." I also like to do holiday-themed packages for him. One year, I found a mini, desktop Christmas tree with miniature ornaments and he didn't have to go without a Christmas tree. The kids and I have sent Halloween decorations, homemade candy, the greeting cards with sound chips that let the children record their voices for Daddy. We also like to send extras because he'll always share with his guys. And, of course, I try and honor any special requests for items he makes.
I'm glad I asked; I don't think I would ever have guessed a crocheted, camouflage muffler! When Ian's deployed, how long do you go without seeing him? And how much of the leave does it take for him to integrate himself into family life?
The length of a deployment depends on the nature of the mission. He was away a year for Cuba and a year for Afghanistan. He was in New Orleans for three months after Hurricane Katrina. He's home now and working full-time for the New Jersey National Guard. He'll be here until he's needed somewhere else and when/where that is, we won't know until the time comes. As for reintegrating into family life, that's a constant process. Time doesn't stop when he's away. The dynamics of how the family unit works change; for any family, they have to. So when our soldiers return, we renegotiate how things work the best we can. It requires our whole family to be flexible and patient.
It sounds like a sort of family dance - with all of you constantly readjusting to reflect each new reality. You sound remarkably sane, Randi. Is there anything that Ian would like our readers to know?
Here was Ian's response to that question:
If I could let the public know one thing about being a military soldier would be to understand how National Guard soldiers have different obstacles in their lives then active duty soldiers. The community support for active duty soldiers on post is geared to making their lives easier so they can focus on their mission. Even the surrounding towns are supportive because a majority of their business comes from soldiers living on post and those who live close off post.
No-one knows National Guard soldiers are in the military unless they tell someone or decal their vehicle. The townships for over 95% of the National Guardsmen in New Jersey have very limited resources for the soldier. While there are discounts at limited places to support the military, it is not enough to help while the soldier is deployed.
Even employers are limited by the economy to fully support the deployed soldiers. They are faced with the burden of a lost employee for a year or more. So, oftentimes they are finding loop holes to let the deployed soldier go to benefit their companies.
Another issue would be that active soldiers who deploy "ramp up" in the post they are assigned to, while Nation Guard soldiers do their "ramp up" in another state. This puts a strain on family life and doesn't allow National Guard soldiers the ability to fix any problems before deploying.
Oftentimes, what was once pride in supporting National Guard soldiers has become a burden to the community because their resources are not set up for a specific group. They have to be fair and spread their resources to benefit the entire community, not just soldiers. So, while before it was fashionable to "support the troops," over time, the zeal has faded.
That must be discouraging. We never talked about what Ian did, employment-wise, before he was snatched away for constant deployment.
Before Ian left for Afghanistan, he worked as the OIC (officer in control) for the small arms instructors on Fort Dix, a civilian contractor position for the Army. Prior to that, he was on the Counterdrug Task Force as a full-time Guardsman. He is currently a Plans Officer for the G3 Joint Force Headquarters for the State of NJ.
So, he was one of the few whose livelihood was not totally disrupted by deployment?
Actually, it is only this month Ian now has job stability (he just secured an AGR job). Until now, he's been on one temp set of orders after another and we've definitely been worried about job security. The small arms instructor job, as I mentioned, was a civilian one and, because it was a contractor position, there were no assurances of job protection like Guardsmen typically are supposed to have. In fact, the company he worked for just lost their contract on post. Thankfully, that didn't impact Ian, but it easily could have. And many Guardsmen who thought they had job protection came back from a year away to an entirely different economic climate and workplaces that have folded and vanished during their absence.
I think in our relationship it has been my employment that has been more disrupted. We are both very committed to the idea of one of us always being there for our kids. We've never put them in daycare, even when he's been deployed and we've both been working full-time. Instead, I adjust my work so that I can still be primary caretaker when Ian is on orders. This has sometimes meant taking less than ideal work situations because the kids come before my "career."
Anything that you'd like to add, Randi, before we wrap up our interview?
I think that the biggest distinction that I'd hope to make would be that of a gesture versus an action. A gesture is a great starting point. I'm excited to learn about local restaurants offering free appetizers to soldiers for Veterans Day. I smile whenever I see an "I support the troops" magnet or bumper sticker on a car. But, those are gestures. They don't impact on the quality of life for our service members or their families. Awareness is important, but not enough. Home Front Hearts is committed to educating communities and having them take action in whatever way is meaningful for them to support those we serve.
Thank you for talking with me so frankly, Randi. It's been a pleasure and an education. Good luck to you and Ian, your family, and Home Front Hearts.
